I’ve always been warned against dating a woman that wants to change me
It's been great advice so far, but as I get older I've begun to appreciate having that special someone help…
The butt of the joke is about to walk into a bar
but gets arrested and starts yelling, "Wait, you are making a mistake, this is a set-up!"
BREAKING: The CEO of IKEA was just elected Prime Minister of Sweden
The first thing he'll do is to assemble his cabinet
I used to work at the zoo, and one time, a gorilla died of old age
Problem was, it was the only gorilla in the zoo because it wasn’t very profitable. The gorilla was by far…
An elderly woman walked into a pet store.
"I want to buy a canary, but it's got to be a good singer. I've got plenty of cash, but…
Why were cavemen so bad with directions?
Because they were Meanderthals.
A cat goes to the vet.
One day a cat goes to the vet. He jumps up on the exam table and looks at the vet…
What’s the difference between the Pope’s funeral and Coachella?
One’s full of incense, robes, and chanting. The other is a funeral
I had a job interview yesterday and the interviewer noted that my resume mentioned I was very quick at mental arithmetic.
"So what's nineteen times seventeen?" he asked. I replied immediately, "Thirty-four." "Um… that's not right," he said. "True, but it…
I masturbated so good last night that when I woke up this morning…
My dick was in the kitchen making me breakfast.
A policeman was patrolling a neighbourhood when he noticed an old lady dragging two full bin bags down the street.
He also noticed money was falling out of one bag and blowing across the road. He picked it up and…
Never wrote a joke here is my first
A while ago, my wife and I visited her parents. I remembered her dad had back surgery recently, and I…
A torpedo was headed for the ship, and the captain needed to calm the crew.
So he sends the boatswain to the barracks. The boatswain walks in and says: "Bet I can hit the wall…